Friday, September 9, 2011

a different "them"

caution: reading this may be hazardous to your spiritual well-being.

I accepted Jesus as my Savior at the ripe age of 21...and I have never doubted my salvation. I have known from that day on the realness of God and that He had a special plan for my life and our family.  But I sit here today, in all my honesty, doubting God's plan.

A sharp knife cut through my heart yesterday afternoon as I read this email from a Ukrainian lawyer. "Masha is in a type of foster care where IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO ADOPT AT ALL." (yes it was all capitalized) It didn't matter that the foster mother gave us permission and support. That was irrelevant. The foster mom would have to appeal to the Inspector for her to return to an orphanage to be adoptable...and that just never happens.

Then there was something said about this law and that law, then another bomb shell. Yan (the boy) was adopted by a Ukrainian family several days ago and they will pick him from the orphanage in a few days. (Ukrainian residents can adopt very quickly, usually in just a few weeks. Yan had been there for 3 years with no outside interest when we inquired.)

Wailing. That's all I could do. Literally crying out to God on my bed... why was this happening?

This was His idea. We were simply following through with what He wanted us to do...and now this. I didn't ask for this heartache...neither did Sam or any of our children. Didn't I just post 2 days earlier God's goodness in how this was all coming together?

I fell asleep with a tremendous headache, clutching the Bible to my chest. This was as close to God as I could get. I am still in the depths of grief, along with my family, as we mourn the loss of 2 children we thought would be ours. We looked forward to teaching them how to swim, how to speak Engish, what it means to have more than 3 sets of clothes. To be a family of seven.

What about all the new foods we couldn't wait for them to try? The prayers and bedtime stories we would read, the treasured Christmas mornings?  But most of all, teaching them to follow Jesus.

Yes, I realize there are millions of orphans out there who also need a home...but these were the two we had already given our hearts to. Did God change His mind? Did we not hear him correctly? all 5 of us?

Not sure what the answer is, but I do know in my head that God is good, true, loving,real and all-knowing. I'm patiently waiting now for it to travel to my heart and alleviate my 'doubting thomas' symptoms. Probably the sooner the better since the calendar is not going backwards and raising young children in our 50's might not be the best for those little ones.

I realize there are many Bible verses that speak to our pain, many song lyrics I could post. Pain has to be walked through...there is no going around it easily. Please join us in praying that Yan and Masha would one day make the decision to follow Christ... then we can spend eternity with them. For our hearts not to be hardened because of what's happened, but rather they would be open to whomever God does have for us in the future.

In choosing the name for this blog, all the titles I wanted were already taken. "Pray them home" really came from a desire to do just that...pray for Masha and Yan to come home to be with us. Now, it's a different "them."



  1. :( Love and prayers, as well as admiration for your perseverance!


  2. A different "them" for you, and a different "home" for Yan and Masha. I'm praying that the Lord captures their hearts in a crazy way, and that one day you will be with them again in the true home the Lord has prepared.